Personal accounts of recovery from addiction

The following recordings and newsletters are not official Narcotics Anonymous (NA) publications, but merely contain individual NA members sharing their own experience of how they stopped using drugs and/or deal with life without drugs. Our common views can be found in our literature. Some terms often used by NA members are explained here.

Kim >

Kim, from Texas, USA, talks about using drugs to feel wanted, occasional drug use becoming addiction, and compromising her values, such as not being able to be a good mother to her kids, using new drugs and in ways that she never imagined, being hungry, penniless and lonely.

She finally does time in jail for dealing, where she learns how to be financially and emotionally independent. She goes back to Narcotics Anonymous on her first day out and stays clean (4 years after her 1st meeting).

NA members become her family, welcoming and supporting her, and she has her first healthy relationships – both with a man and with her children – earns people's trust and uses 12 steps to improve herself ... and even gets her degree. She discovers that she has talent, and lands a great job too!

Length: 20 min, size: 2.4 MB

Oren >

Oren, from Israel, tries so many times to get clean that it numbs him. He's driven by a need to be liked, despite his apparent popularity. His addiction leads him to steal and lose his love of life, as well as state-imposed rehab.

At an NA meeting, smiling faces and a simple hug for a broken man makes him come back again. These people eventually become his closest friends.

Through hard work, he's now able to face the world without using drugs, despite feelings that used to drive him to use drugs. He has a lasting relationship with a girl he met in NA, as well as with their baby.

Length: 17 min, size: 2.1 MB

Debbie >

Debbie, from the USA, and free from drugs since 1982, had been to psychiatric institutions etc. but couldn't find a way to stay clean. She expected to die with a needle in her arm.

A few months after her 4th pregnancy (the previous 3 were terminated), her mother takes custody of her baby away from her.

At yet another rehab, she is refused medication and cold turkeys. She spends 9 months at a centre for women, in order to see her son, and attends NA meetings.

She discovers Hospitals & Institutions, a form of service where NA members volunteer to visit rehabs and jails to tell inmates their stories and introduce them to NA. H&I becomes a way for her to stay clean.

She develops a concept of a loving and caring God for herself – not the punishing, judgmental God some people grew up with, and eventually strikes a balance between her dedication to NA activities and spending time with her child, who is abusing alcohol.

She also talks about finding other ways of giving back to society, warns about becoming a slave to replacement drugs/medication, and talks about her new-found freedom from financial difficulties.

Length: 24 min, size: 2.9 MB

Jill >

Jill talks about having a relationship with her firstborn for the first time, about following her mom into recovery, and about her relationship with her NA sponsor, who never left her side.

She even thinks getting up at 4 AM to feed her child is a pleasure!

Her husband, who used custody of her child to motivate her to go to rehab, starts trusting her and vice versa – a process that took at least a year.

She concludes by showing genuine gratitude towards someone at the convention who brought recovery to her family.

Length: 9 min, size: 1.1 MB

Rob >

Rob, from the Western Cape, gets introduced to Narcotics Anonymous by a rehab he attends in 2004. He gets a girlfriend only 2 days after he gets clean, against his sponsor's advice, but applies the principles he learnt in NA to deal with intimacy issues. 3 Years later, they're happily together.

He uses the 12 steps to learn to accept himself and gains a second family in NA members. He finally has real relationships with his blood family, and finds balance through developing friendships with people outside of NA.

Length: 13 min, size: 1.7 MB

Senzo >

Senzo abuses "socially acceptable" drugs, alcohol and weed, since age 12 through his tertiary education. As the drugs lose their effect on him, he swaps them for new ones. Eventually he can't pay his debts and can't face himself in the mirror.

Soon after getting fired at work for theft, he loses his house, moves in with his folks, and uses the profit made from the sale of his house for more drugs. He seeks medical help from doctors, to no avail, and experiences enormous guilt every time he uses again.

He finally discovers an NA meeting near him, where he meets someone with a similar history, who helps him recover.

Length: 19 min, size: 2.3 MB

Wallace >

Wallace, this time clean for 10 months straight, bumps into his dealer (now clean) at this very convention and experiences a moment of euphoric recall. He talk about his parents' deaths while he was in active addiction and awaiting trial, and of the benefits of recovery.

Length: 14 min, size: 1.7 MB

Alex >

Alex, from Gauteng, jokes around about Durban, the British, The World Cup and life in Narcotics Anonymous, before talking about coming from a family with secrets and a history of addiction, and being a member of NA for 22 years.

He talks about growing up experiencing feelings as extreme, being rather er... attention deficient, looking at his addictive personality being shaped during childhood, and finding relief in, and a romantic attachment with his last drug of choice.

His doctor introduces him to Narcotics Anonymous, and even though he can't count the times he'd relapsed, he finally stays clean after 9 years in NA.

He speaks about blood family, ego and the 12 steps becoming a way of life, and how much he loves fellow addicts in recovery.

Length: 27 min, size: 3.2 MB

Geoff C >

Geoff grows up with depression, and discovers relief in a pill that allows him to be himself and face social situations and sexual intimacy.

After landing a very well-paying job, he has access to so much more drugs. He finds he never can have enough – even today, he is addicted to caffeine in the same way he used other stimulants.

He makes a major decision after a bad incident, handing over his life to God – as a young Catholic, he had developed a personal relationship with a personal God that worked for him.

He goes on to explain how the repetition of introducing himself as an addict and hearing the preambles at every meeting helps replace his denial system.

Length: 17 min, size: 2.1 MB

Charlotte O >

Having experienced both drug abuse and her 1st suicide attempt at age 14, institutions, jails, car accidents and even a fall from a balcony that causes neurological damage and disfigurement, she discovers that, since her recovery started, she can actually do the things that "normal" people do.

Most importantly, she finds self-worth.

Length: 19 min, size: 2.3 MB

Greg C >

The death of his brother from drugs (using money Greg lent him that inadvertently got used for the drugs) triggers a decade-long downward spiral of self-destruction for Greg, including OD's and financial disasters and stints in prison.

After 2 years of wanting to stop, he walks into an NA meeting, where he is inspired by an addict celebrating a whole year of abstinence from drugs.

He finds that recovery can be hard at times, but very simple.

Length: 18 min, size: 2.2 MB

Kevin S >

Using drugs helped take away Kevin's worries and made him feel confident and good about himself, until he dropped out of school, started breaking into his mother's home and ended up with no hope of a future.

Today he can go anywhere career-wise, has good relationships with people around him, and has hope again. And he finally takes a shower every day...

Length: 12 min, size: 1.5 MB

Irene T >

Irene's addiction made her miss the entire 80's, although shoulder-pads make it quite miss-able.

Her addiction leads her to a place where she hides under her duvet, avoiding human contact, experiencing constant guilt. She sees a psychiatrist, who tells her the constant use of her "soft drug" isn't a problem, which was not what she needed to hear. Someone pays for a stint in rehab, but Irene doesn't find it helpful at the time.

She discovers Narcotics Anonymous, where she finds people like her, that understand her. She develops a great relationship with a woman she asks to be her spiritual sponsor. Through her, she learns to have a free from unnecessary guilt, and to live life for herself, not for her mother.

Length: 17 min, size: 2.1 MB

Dirk B >

"OCD" Dirk, an ex-buttonkop and coke-head, felt superior to NA members when he arrived. He pretended to be sorted for 2 years in Narcotics Anonymous before his recovery started.

He realised that these people had something he needed, and he was lonely, so he started by attended NA meetings every day for 6 months.

After a few years, he became unhappy with his marriage, among other things. Being clean without positive changes to his personality or behaviour was agonising, so he started doing the 12 steps, making those changes. He ends up being truly grateful toward the people who still help him, and realises that his possessions alone can't bring him happiness.

Length: 13 min, size: 1.6 MB

Lawrence J >

Lawrence talks about reaching out to addicts, having benefited from others doing the same for him.

After very serious consequences to his health, he finds himself in a treatment centre for the 2nd time, and discovers a fully-fledged NA meeting in Hillbrow. Like so many addicts feel before they recover, he has a problem seeing alcohol and marijuana as drugs, so he carries on using those.

His final rock bottom involves his sister finding recovery in NA while he gets bust for drug smuggling.

One day, his sister takes him to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, where he sees an old acquaintance of his, now clean for 3 years. He decides that it might actually be possible to stay clean.

He likens his relationship with drugs to someone with a bee allergy, who'd naturally stay away from bee hives – or die. In Lawrence's case, he only sees the honey. So he needs to remind himself of the sting, every time he sees the "honey". He finds this constant reminder by helping other addicts in desperate need of getting clean. This kind of service gets him out of his head, and helps his sense of self-worth.

Length: 17 min, size: 2.1 MB

Alex C (KwaZulu-Natal) >

5 Years clean, Alex talks about becoming sober as an alcoholic, only to discover that his addiction is not to one drug, but all.

He didn't just rob himself of freedom, but his family too.

His rock bottom turns out to be not the lawyer's letters, but the emptiness of who he has become.

Length: 13 min, size: 1.7 MB

Ezekiel N (Gauteng) >

From growing up wanting to be an astronaut, Soweto resident Ezekiel finds himself fulfilling his dream in a less than ... literal way.

He finds himself again in Narcotics Anonymous, where he becomes a "12 step junkie". He develops a self-awareness, and among others, has the humility and honesty to know he hasn't become a saint, e.g. he can still be dishonest.

He finds that in his career of working with children he can finally become a positive role model.

The freedom he experienced after his strict father passed away when Ezekiel was 14, turned out to be imprisonment. The freedom he has today stems from his heart – the freedom to be alive.

Length: 20 min, size: 2.6 MB

Fergus A (Gauteng) >

Fergus finds it almost impossible to bridge that gap between a lock-up facility and life on life's terms, which follows. He attempts to face life by doing the recommended 90 NA meetings in the 1st 90 days.

He relapses, ends up in hospital, but goes straight to his home group, where he feels rejected. He finds himself talking about cleaning up, but keeps using on and off.

This carries on for 6 months, but finally he uses the feeling of being a failure as well as hard question by a counsellor from the treatment facility he was at, to make a change – he attends 5 meetings a week for the 1st year and a half, becomes an active participant in NA service structures, and finds having a home group of particular value.

The difference in his 2nd recovery is that he realises that his addiction extends in all areas of life – that drug abuse is simply a symptom of his disease. He finds solace in NA, where he can see people like him dealing with life, where he feels normal and calm, where getting help from addicts like him seems to do it for him.

This helped him in forgiving himself after his last drug using spree and in going straight back to his group. He learns how his reaction to some members' perceived judgement of him during his relapse – staying away from meetings – was cutting his nose to spite his face.

He understands how some members with substantial clean-time, still feel uncomfortable with non-NA members, as he currently finds himself in the same position.

What works for him is identifying himself as primarily a recovering addict, above all else, and has found acceptance of who he is.

Length: 11 min, size: 1.4 MB

Robin D (Gauteng) >

Robin's girlfriend breaks up with her because, as a fellow addict Robin won't join her in Narcotics Anonymous – "a group of weak people who fed off each others misery", according to Robin.

Years later, Robin's life falls apart and she goes to a rehab in Cape Town for an assessment, but because she cannot afford rehab, the counsellor there suggests she do an NA meeting a day for a month. Robin does so, but, like so many, regards it as temporary, magic pill solution, and relapses the moment she lands back in Johannesburg.

She goes to NA meetings in Jozi to steal money from the bag – yes, that bag that gets passed around for those small, voluntary contributions for rent of the premises and coffee. She also secretly uses outside NA meetings.

Soon, she finds herself at another treatment facility in George, where they take patients to NA meetings. Robin still couldn't trust Narcotics Anonymous – there had to be a catch.

She finally gets it and uses NA as a safe haven. Although she's scared when she finds herself free again, but back in Joburg not having any non-using friends, she makes new friends in NA there.

Length: 5 min, size: 0.6 MB

Stephen B (KwaZulu-Natal) >

Having been fired from his job and at the point of losing his girlfriend, he goes to rehab, but believes he can change his life on his own. Experiencing a seizure, he reconsiders and goes to NA meetings, which the treatment centre introduces him to.

He flees Durban though, and finds himself back on drugs, living on a mattress, with very few clothes. He flees Cape Town, owing money to everyone, then from Durban to Richards Bay, where things don't exactly work out either– what we in NA call "geographicals".

He stays clean in NA, but at 8 months clean, gets involved with a girl who dabbles in drugs, and decides Narcotics Anonymous can't teach him anymore. He relapses on alcohol, a common relapse drug for addicts due to its social acceptability, after having been clean for 3 years.

Eventually, after an initial period of relatively consequence free drinking, his addiction spirals out of control, and he gets hospitalised from an overdose, temporarily paralysed in one leg. As the secret gets out, a friend takes him to a New Year's party, where he uses again.

The next morning he realises his life is completely screwed, but because of pride, he doesn't go back to NA, and decides to do religion for 8 months, but unfortunately remains miserable.

Luckily, a fellow churchgoer with a drug problem asks him to take her to an NA meeting, where he commits to doing the NA's tailored programme in its entirety, and stays clean and finds happiness.

He takes up surfing, and finds that he can become obsessed with anything, so he strikes a balance where he goes to an NA meeting after every time he surfs ;-)

Length: 9 min, size: 1.3 MB

Daisy T (Gauteng) >

Daisy's only committed relationship has been the one with drugs. She has a fear of being vulnerable, and so, of being female and of being loved, even though she wants to be loved.

A recent UK immigrant to South Africa, she finds a female sponsor in Narcotics Anonymous who doesn't fit the picture of a push-over Daisy loathes so much, yet is loving and vulnerable, and eventually she even comes to terms with being a girl, finally being OK with herself. She even has female friends now, and is overcoming her fear of rejection.

She also invents a personal image of God that doesn't fit the patriarchal image she was brought up with, and finds it in nature and in the "emergency-god" thing ;-)

The other relationship she develops is the one with her family, whom she used to feel inadequate with – particularly with her mother, who she used to despise and blame for her addiction.

For someone who hadn't had a birthday party since she was 12 to avoid judgement, she can now stand up in front of an audience like this one and talk about such intimate details!

Length: 16 min, size: 2 MB

Lesley M (Garden Route) >

Lesley, from Knysna, spends the last decade of her addiction trying desperately to get out. Her sister, a Nar-Anon member, takes her to her first Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

After a year and a half of starting and stopping, she finds recovery in NA . She has a particularly strong relationship with a higher power than drugs, which she experiences as God – not the patriarchal, judgmental version, but a personal, caring one.

She trusts this power to take care of her when she worries excessively.

She develops another relationship, this time with herself – and this time, with less beating herself up. Her relationship with her children has changed to one where she listens instead of reacting.

She got all this help from other human beings, whereas she couldn't help herself.

She's been free from drugs for more than a year now.

Length: 9 min, size: 1.2 MB

Absalon C (USA) >

Absalon, introduced to NA in prison, talks about the importance of relationships, and that he actually likes starting new ones – not only romantic ones.

His philosophy is that he can always get something good out of a relationship – that there's no such thing as a failed one. Spiritual principles he finds in the 12 steps – honesty, loyalty, commitment etc. – are essential for relationships.

He needs to overcome isolation and alienation – something he got used to as an active addict – for a relationship to work.

He finds actions more useful than words for starting relationships, like when NA members offered him lifts from meetings to the Salvation Army where he stayed, not asking him for a cent – this is the real love that got him to start trusting people.

These NA members even offered him a place to stay, so he moved in with one, even getting a key to his flat. That was the 1st time Absalon felt trusted by someone.

The story of his relationship with his parents could drive anyone to tears. His mom, back in Columbia, his country of birth, died 3 years before he got clean – a woman who used to rub the track marks on his arms and tried to fight his addiction for him. At her grave, he promised her 10 NA medallions (some groups hand out medallions for every clean-time celebration). The abusive dad he grew up with is now someone he loves and keeps contact with regularly.

The 1st relationship with a human being since he started recovering from addiction, has been with his sponsor.

For someone who'd always wanted to have a family, he had to deal with the feelings of losing a child at birth, without drugs, and succeeded.

He has kept his promise to his mom.

Length: 33 min, size: 4.1MB

Yvette K (Western Cape) >

This recording would probably benefit NA members in recovery only.

Dealing with her control issues – a need to force a crack-head to a meeting, feed her starving pets and take care of her 5-year old during a 12th step call on Xmas Day – Yvette learns from a more experienced member who was there with her, that simply being there as an example of a clean addict is enough. The trick is to aid, not help.

For Yvette, her sense of service to addicts who are suffering goes as far as not spilling her guts at group meetings, so preventing newcomers from getting the wrong message. That's what she has a sponsor for.

Someone once told her that if she loses her service to NA, she loses her recovery.

She goes on to talk about her experience of getting a home meeting up and running, the group losing the plot a bit, and steering themselves in the right direction again.

Length: 14 min, size: 1.9 MB

Riaz J (KwaZulu-Natal) >

This recording would probably benefit NA members in recovery only.

Riaz talks about helping get the first 4 meetings in Pietermaritzburg up and running in only 6 years, and the miracle of a bunch of addicts managing to somehow keep the doors open throughout this time.

He understands that, being as much a part of NA as everyone else, he has to actively help keep it available if he still wants an NA meeting to go to.

He says that besides the message we carry to addicts who want to recover, one mustn't forget the message to those with experience in recovery – that we are still addicts and can easily relapse if we forget that.

A common situation in South Africa that they find themselves in, is the extreme gap between rich and poor. Among other ways of crossing that divide, is organising lifts by those who have cars, for those without.

He goes on to talk about how they keep meetings a safe place for addicts.

Once every month, his home group has a "business meeting", where they ask themselves how they could do better at helping addicts get recovery.

Riaz has hope that one day, there will be an NA meeting for every community in SA, so that no addict needs to die from this disease.

Length: 18 min, size: 2.3 MB

Susen G (USA) >

Susen starts off with gratitude for being able to travel to Africa, a childhood dream she didn't consider possible while on drugs.

Having been in active addiction till the age of 35, she spends time in jail, where she eventually contacts her parents, who are grateful that she's off the streets.

She gets introduced to Narcotics Anonymous through NA members who travel a long way every 2 weeks to do a meeting in her prison. She reads the chapter "Who is an Addict?", from the Basic Text, and for the 1st time realises there are other people who understand her, who are like her.

Once released, she attends an NA group meeting, where a guy comes up to her and tells her "Don't worry – you belong". She lands a minimum wage job, not something she's used to, yet finds all she needs to make life worthwhile in recovery.

Her mom visits her, after Susen spent most of her life avoiding her family. Susen didn't even know her mom had had a divorce.

Her sister forgives her after Susen walked out on her wedding as bridesmaid. Her older sister, who believed that Susen was dead before going to identifying a headless body they saw on TV, starts trusting her.

The NA programme is the 1st thing in her life that's worked for her. She doesn't want to use drugs anymore, and has forgiven and accepted herself.

Length: 20 min, size: 2.6 MB

Tako S (Gauteng) >

Tako discovers Narcotics Anonymous in 1995, after a life of hatred for the world, that drugs really helped him escape from, but ultimately brought him to his knees. He meets Ted, who had been clean for a decade, which Tako is in awe of, having only ever been able to stay clean for short periods of time.

HIV+ since he was 21, he believed he had a couple of years left, before dying as an "AIDS junkie". (He says HIV is so common among addicts in Holland, that they have NA meetings tailored especially for HIV+ members).

He is now 43, healthy enough to have lived without anti-retrovirals until now.

Having had a life of resentment and disappointment, he finds it amazing that he now experienced gratitude for his life, even shedding tears of joy during his daily meditations.

This gratitude disappeared after a while, typical of the end of the "pink cloud" stage for many recovering addicts. The solution was to accept life as being something you have to work for, and that the initial high he felt in recovery was, well, another high.

Speaking of what some NA members might relate to – "tacky" lines in our Basic Text, such as "things beyond their wildest dreams" – he distrusts people who are just eternally serene and grateful, as they are probably not sober-minded.

He finds it ironic though that his wildest dreams have actually come true in the form of a guest house with a fantastic view that he and his partner bought together.

Usually disliking conventions, what with addicts running around hugging each other, he actually enjoys this one, even having a jol on the dance floor, as he puts it.

Length: 22 min, size: 2.8 MB

Ted J (Netherlands) >

Ted, quite a nonchalant character from Amsterdam, thoroughly enjoyed drugs and the "one foot in the grave" life.

Eventually, he tries recovery, but relapses more times he can count, being in and out of treatment centres for 4 years.

In Paris, he manages to stay clean by going to 2 NA meetings a day for a year.

In the first 30 days at these meetings, he learns to attend meetings regularly and on time, read the literature and get a sponsor, and most importantly, change his attitude from one that was completely apathetic.

Today he attends a meeting a week and sponsors several people.

He talks about how he loves to talk about change, but how easy it is to regress to a self-destructive way of living, having spent so long with that attitude that it feels normal. He's had to retrain himself.

He mentions the importance of actually being sensitive to others, of listening, and of being patient while finding peace with others and some sort of balance. He believes recovery is each individual's responsibility – not the responsibility of entities such as this-or-that fellowship.

Today the rebellion is gone, allowing him to develop something that works for him. He reckons the shortest path to a higher power is gratitude.

Length: 26 min, size: 3.3 MB

Riaan D (Gauteng) >

Length: 18 min, size: 2.3 MB

Ron vB (Netherlands) >

Length: 1 min, size: 2.3 MB

Patrick S (USA) >

Length: 40 min, size: 5.1 MB

Penny (UK) >

Penny talks about powerlessness: Being sentenced for dealing, losing her children, discovering NA in jail, then regaining her life and family.

Length: 24 min, size: 2.9 MB

Matthew (Cape Town) >

A young NA member talks about dealing with fear in recovery.

Length: 21 min, size: 2.7 MB

Thabo (Jo'burg) >

Thabo talks about getting to know himself, taking responsibility for himself, accepting himself and enjoying life without drugs.

Length: 16 min, size: 2 MB

Irene (Jo'burg) >

Irene talks about swapping her life of depression with life in recovery, where her dreams are becoming true and she's experiencing real relationships and a sense of self worth.

Length: 16 min, size: 1.9 MB

Frank (Cape Town) >

Frank talks about joining NA, getting a sponsor and becoming self-aware in the process.

Length: 23 min, size: 2.8 MB

Siphiwe (Jo'burg) >

Siphiwe gives an emotional talk about his gratitude for getting clean in the first NA meeting in Soweto.

Length: 7 min, size: 1 MB

Chris S (Cape Town) >

Chris talks about the deadliness of addiction, watching his wife and kids grow numb, then getting clean and facing situations that before would've been inconceivable to deal with without the use of drugs.

Length: 27 min, size: 3.3 MB

Uke (Jo'burg) >

Uke talks about coming to terms with the fact that she is an addict, getting clean, growing in recovery through the motivation of pain, and fulfilling her personal dreams.

Length: 18 min, size: 2.3 MB

David W (USA) >

David talks about learning to live – the difference between being clean and being in recovery, and how ending up in a psych ward taught him the difference.

Length: 21 min, size: 2.7 MB

Kim (USA) >

Kim talks about learning to let go – accepting herself and her powerlessness over others.

Length: 20 min, size: 2.5 MB

Ron (Australia) >

Length: 17 min, size: 2.2 MB

Anthony E (USA) >

Length: 30 min, size: 3.8 MB

Janet (Jo'burg) >

Janet talks about her first rather chaotic NA meetings in Jo'burg in 1991/2. As often happens in a new area, NA in Jo'burg grew through some decidedly un-spiritual behaviour :-)

Length: 9 min, size: 1.1 MB

Anthony S (Jo'burg) >

A businessman talks about his need for acceptance leading to drug addiction and fraud, using relationships to replace drugs and finally losing his businesses, house, friends and family. He gets introduced to NA, gets clean, relapses 6 months later, but returns and finds a sponsor who accepts him and helps him recover.

Length: 17 min, size: 2.1 MB

Lee F (Durban) >

Lee talks about his descent from sportsman to drug addict, then finally exchanging his obsession with drugs for living life.

Length: 16 min, size: 2 MB

Kermit O (USA) >

Kermit talks about his experience in NA since 1978: Demystifying the 12 steps, dealing with loss and lows while staying clean to find his purpose and much more.

Length: 51 min, size: 6.3 MB

History of NA > by Kermit O (USA)

Kermit talks about NA's history from his own experience and studies. This is probably of interest more to current NA members.

Length: 43 min, size: 5.3 MB

More shares will be added soon...

Mark J (Johannesburg) >

Length: 13 min, size: 1.6 MB

In the NA Western Cape Area newsletter > of 2002, more personal stories were included.
(PDF, size: 672 KB)

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